I suppose it’s been about a year or so since the initial existential freakout which caused the ensuing months to be a bit of a mess, spiritually speaking. So maybe it’s worth taking stock of where I’m at right now, what we’ve learned in the interim.
The whole issue of how I relate my Catholicism to my queerness still has its vexations, but it doesn’t feel like the crushing thing it did not too long ago. A lot of the relief is just from having faced the darkness instead of running away, talking to people about feelings and stuff, self-love and self respect and touchy feely crap like that. But I think one of the key things was in becoming aware of how my desire to please God by adhering to a traditional sexual ethic was tangled up with a lot of stuff which was more about being the sort of person who I thought would be more pleasing to my fellow Christians. If you start adding all sorts of unnecessary bells and whistles to your cross, it can easily become perverted into something that just leaves you crushed and hopeless (and I do think the pressure is often on queer Christians to do just this – and often out of the best of intentions).
Anyway, I let go of those bells and whistles, and there was peace in doing so.
The funny thing, though, is that concurrent with this has been an increased awareness of, how shall we say, interest, in the opposite sex. I dunno if this means I’m actually drifting towards bisexuality as I age, or if it’s just a passing thing. All I know is that 30 is too old to be confused about my sexuality and so I’m cancelling sex and converting our species into light waveforms that will travel and mingle throughout the universe and