Only skin

I suppose it’s been about a year or so since the initial existential freakout which caused the ensuing months to be a bit of a mess, spiritually speaking. So maybe it’s worth taking stock of where I’m at right now, what we’ve learned in the interim.

The whole issue of how I relate my Catholicism to my queerness still has its vexations, but it doesn’t feel like the crushing thing it did not too long ago. A lot of the relief is just from having faced the darkness instead of running away, talking to people about feelings and stuff, self-love and self respect and touchy feely crap like that. But I think one of the key things was in becoming aware of how my desire to please God by adhering to a traditional sexual ethic was tangled up with a lot of stuff which was more about being the sort of person who I thought would be more pleasing to my fellow Christians. If you start adding all sorts of unnecessary bells and whistles to your cross, it can easily become perverted into something that just leaves you crushed and hopeless (and I do think the pressure is often on queer Christians to do just this – and often out of the best of intentions).

Anyway, I let go of those bells and whistles, and there was peace in doing so.

The funny thing, though, is that concurrent with this has been an increased awareness of, how shall we say, interest, in the opposite sex. I dunno if this means I’m actually drifting towards bisexuality as I age, or if it’s just a passing thing. All I know is that 30 is too old to be confused about my sexuality and so I’m cancelling sex and converting our species into light waveforms that will travel and mingle throughout the universe and

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About Josh W

Scribbler and doodler
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6 Responses to Only skin

  1. Hey, man, we’re for here ya if ya need peeps to talk with! And God Almighty keep on helping us all!

    • Also, speaking of skin, have you ever read Nick Joaquin’s Candido’s Apocalypse before?

      • Josh W says:

        Thanks. I haven’t heard of that book before.

        I couldn’t think of a title for the post, so I just kinda semi randomly took it from a Joanna Newsom song

      • You’re welcome! And I don’t think I’ve heard of her before, too. What sort of musician is she to you, then?

        Meanwhile, that book I was talking about is a novella. Basically, there’s Bobby, this teenage boy who has this weird alter ego named Candido that cynically sees every person in their naked form. And it gets a lot weirder. I had to read that over and over again with different literary critical perspectives for a class, too. Me, well, I don’t know if it was meant to be read as Catholic, but I think I could see some Catholic ideas? I honestly like the climax and the ending because of that.

      • Josh W says:

        Sorry for the late reply! Newsom is an American folk musician, albeit a very eccentric one. She’s a bit of an acquired taste.

        That novel kinda sounds a bit like an anime premise.

      • I see, I see…I’m more of a pop guy, though. Still, if there’s probably something that could be considered an acquired taste by the general public, it would probably be the rapper Bizzle. He rocks the hip-hop sound real well, but his lyrics have a solid Christian center.

        And an anime premise? Well, it could be. Though it would probably need to be less horrifying and more comedic for it to work as something that came out of an anime, if you ask me. And even if it would be a horror anime, the story would probably be too bizarre for the genre. Nick Joaquin’s classified under Tropical Gothic, but as far as I’ve read from him, stuff like that often mystify a bit more than they horrify.

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